Lie in the sound

It's raining.
And I am cold.

I may or may not have an interview for a graduate program (I may or may not have applied to) tomorrow.
I'm afraid of failure. Especially of the public sort. I'm slightly more than hesitant to share such news with the world around me, because I don't want anyone to know if I fail. Because people talk. Constantly. And it's rarely ever nice.

I'd like very much to have my own black hole to crawl into when I know that people are talking about me. Even good things, sometimes. I just don't like it. I'm shy and the idea of this happening makes me nauseous. Just leave me alone, mmkay?

So, as of now, it will be vague thoughts only. That is all I can stomach at this exact moment in time. Deal with it?

Oh, and Pretty got into Pharmacy School. It's no big deal...yes it is. It's a HUGE deal. We're pretty excited about it.

There are some things that are so funny to me.
Like overly-serious commercials.
Example, the new Vagisil ad with the angel music in the background.
Really?
I'm doubting that angels sing about this.

Maybe they do.
What do I know?

Dropping the topic...

I brought my Pretty some dinner tonight while he was at work. Then he took me on a tour of the place. I don't really like hospitals (obviously?) but it was nice to spend some QT with my lover.
Thankfully for all involved parties, the gift shop was closed. Loves me some gift shop shoppin'.

Weird weekend.

Bloggin' on my lunch break again.

There are many things I wish to express, but the words aren't logically sorted in my head yet.

I've been working on being a grown up more lately.
Baby steps have grown slightly larger.
I continue to try viewing my flaws as opportunity for change/adjustment.
I'm also controlling my need to say everything that's on my mind. There's no need for it. My opinion typically does not matter.
I'm keeping in mind that I am most likely not the only person who is easily made happy/mad/sad by the actions of others. It will often make my whole day when someone says something nice to me. Everyone has insecurities. It takes no energy to share the positive thoughts I have about the people around me. I couldn't tell you how many times I have come home to Pretty, filled completely with either positive or negative emotion, all depending on how people treated me that day. Or, oftentimes, just from one statement. So simple. Why be mean when you could be nice? I'm trying to remember this.


Should work now...

So, Valentine's Day was last weekend.
Yep.
Not much of a fan, to be honest.
Mostly because I think it's cheesy and lame, but then if Pretty doesn't do something for me, I'm pissed.
Which is so hypocritical.
I don't want to be hypocritical.

I organized like a crazy person over the weekend.
The art space is finished and just needs some decorative touches.
I re-arranged the furniture in my living room (by myself- feat) and then spent hours trying to figure out where the candles should go.
I filed both my federal and state taxes.
I started a pile of crap to give to Goodwill.
Etc.

It's good to be productive, but now that it's not quite 7 AM and I'm going to be leaving for work soon, I'm wishing I'd taken time to relax. 
Oh well.
Just choked on apple juice- taking this as a sign that I should focus a little more on breakfast, and less on bitching about my weekend.

"I hope you are having a pleasant work day, with minimal encounters with the dead. At least that's what would define a pleasant work day for me, if I had your job. I ate a lot of your sunflower seeds. And I made some fancy Ramen. Yes, fancy Ramen.... It's possible. There were roasted vegetables involved. Roasted, Thomas. The girl who can barely work a microwave roasted vegetables today.
Do my taxes, please. Also, the priority deadline for FAFSA is March 1st. So I'd get on that, if I were you. I did mine already and if I get a better loan than you, it goes without saying that you will be mocked for this. Warned."

Facebook can be awesome, when you have a Pretty who checks his email at work. Which I do.  

I'm so bored.
This weekend was lame.
For sure.

I'm addicted to CSI.
I have spent all of my money.
I ate too much salt today.

Woke up super-anxious. Can't sleep. Will talk about my dream, despite the fact that no one will give a shit about my dream. Fuck off, it's my blog.
Sorry.
So, in Dreamworld:

I found a torn up $100 bill in my purse and a stack of textbooks in my med recs box at work. The books were sealed up in plastic like they do when you order a bunch online for pick-up at a University bookstore. I remembered that Tom told me you can get a full-refund if you take them back still perfectly sealed up. I decide that both of these would be perfect tests of humanity and leave them on the ground outside of my high school and decide I desperately need to power-walk through Forever 21. I figure that buying whatever catches my eye while going at such a speed is obviously a great way to shop/save money. Then it became Sephora, in a warehouse, with too-big boxes containing shit they would never carry, like bubbly foot baths.
I keep power-walking and these girls were talking about how stupid everything in whole damn warehouse was. Including the vents, which I somehow knew were pumping in purified oxygen and therefore should be respected. I go back to check on my humanity-tests and see that everything was stolen, but then Warrick from CSI comes up to me and has all of it. He gives them to me and says that I deserve to keep them and need to stop losing focus of my own needs and self-worth.
THEN I'm back at work and my coworkers and I receive a letter that says we kick-ass and work hard and it's not that we're not good enough for the job, the job is not good enough for us. Etc.

Then I woke up, manic out of my mind, and in desperate need of meds and snacks.
Current analysis of this dream- I feel under appreciated and just want people to acknowledge how fabulous I am because, about twice a day, I feel like I might have a total meltdown if I get anymore information portraying the opposite.
Bah.
Whatever...
Possibly no more sleep tonight.
Hungry, hungry hippo.

Today was one of those fabulous days when there is nothing in a 24 hour period to worry about.
For me, this is saying something.
I keep trying to put this into words, but I'm afraid  of jinxing myself...
Today was a good day because I had been stressed out of my mind for most of the last four weeks and now everything is taken care of. Or at least to the best of my ability. And it all truly has been done to the best of my ability. Which is a satisfying feeling.
Work- caught up.
Grad school applications- completed and mailed.
My work day reached it's end and I was calm. It was nuts. I didn't stay late. Didn't come home stressed. Drove through rush hour traffic without a single thought of mass murder. Came home to Thai food take-out. Snugged up in a hoodie with my lover and watched a movie.
Perfect?
Why yes, it was.

Now, tomorrow is definitely a new day. Obviously.
But in this moment, I feel good.
I can sit down and breathe.
Work on this painting of mine.
Mess around with my awesome new jewelry tools.
Maybe pop some Ambien and drink tea, while laying on the heating pad in hopes of addressing all the tension in my upper back.

I am going to shop around the internets for some reading material.
And I need to Etsy it up a bit.
Pretty suggested that for Valentines Day, we get each other an Etsy gift under $50.
Done. Sold. Gotta love easy.
I'm not so much the Valnetine's Day type.
But I like presents. Especially of the stress-free variety.


End.