Yes, it's true, I am posting here again

At least for now.
For my teeny-tiny following, I apologize for replacing this blog for one where I could anonymously complain about everyone I've ever known. It's nice to have an outlet, and I intend to keep it, but this one's easier to share.

Anyway.

Since I have not updated this particular blog since July, let's do some for-serious Fact-age:

Facts-

1. Wordpress is far superior to Blogger. I know it's harsh, but it's true. 
2. I started making jewelry again. THAT and I starting selling on Etsy again. THAT and I'm actually letting people know about this, which has been difficult for me.
3. I'm married now.
4. Since I'm married now, Pretty will now be Mr. Pretty. Oh, he's gonna loooove that. I can't wait to tell him. I would swivel around in this here office chair to inform him if I did not have a very warm and happy kitty sleeping in my lap.
5. Oh, we bought a cat. His name is Sam. He's a badass who also loves his mommy- the best of both worlds. I like to think that he fights crime before snuggin up with me at the end of each day. 
6. Not working is the most fantabulously (yes, fantabulously) amazing thing I've ever done for myself. 
7. My Masters program is awesome. Mr. Pretty's (ha!) is time consuming and hard, whereas mine is fun and fairly laid back. At least for now. This is why I'm going to have "counseling" in my degree title and he will have "doctor". 
8. Oh, the wedding was beautiful...probably should have said that sooner. 
9. I feel no different than I had before becoming a Mrs. (weird). People ask that a lot.
10. Mr. Pretty is all up in my business about changing my last name. Not in a cave man-y way, but there's definitely an odd sense of urgency. When asked, he simply replies, "I just can't wait to see my name on your driver's license." My inner feminist hates this, but my current whatever-I-am thinks it's kind of cute.
11. I wrote awhile ago about the curse of assigning the title of Best to a friend and how it always bites me in the ass. Well, go figure, it happened again.
12. Our trip to Wyoming was beyond-words-awesome and we're working on planning our next trip. Silly Mr. Pretty wants to pay ridic' amounts of money to snowboard there. Visiting snow is nice and being with my family is nicer, so I'm in. 
13. My friends keep moving to different states. It makes me so sad. Not that I blame them, I would move outta this state ASAP if possible, but since I typically have like 5 friends at a time, it blows when 3 of them leave. Just sayin'
14. Speaking of moving out of AZ, our most recent election has left me wanting to shake everyone in the state and scream at them. FOUR MORE YEARS. Not to be an education snob (I am), but you should not be allowed to be in that position with only a high school diploma behind your name. Seriously. I HATE her.
15. Politics still make me angrier than I should allow, in case this was not noticed. 
16. Now that the wedding is over, I am going to get my hair chopped off (THANK GOD) and dyed more than one color (THANK GOD again). There will also be at least one more tattoo. I say "at least" because the one I've planned will be small, like all the others, and it's time to be a little more adventurous. I'm thinking full-color, half-sleeve...or something in that family. Yes, I am completely serious. No, I will not do something huge and stupid for the sake of rebellion. I have been wanting to do this for a long, long time but people always gasp and say "But what about your wedding photos??!?!" (PS: easy does it, society.) People can't guilt me out of it anymore.

OK, bored with this now. Also hungry.
Until next time...

Maybe getting a little excited about the wedding again. Starting to regain focus of the why and not so much the how.
Plus, a candlelit ceremony with our closest family and friends? Does it get any better than that?

Work has been so overwhelming lately. Like, never getting around to my ever-increasing pile of paperwork, forgetting to eat lunch, poppin' Klonopin like candy, overwhelmed. Again, I should be offered more money. I should be offered sainthood, but I'll accept higher financial aid if that's all ya got.

Just want to write and make my jewelry and be left alone for awhile. Maybe catch up on some sleep. Call those friends I've neglected for the past year.

Two and a half weeks.  Two and a half weeks. Two and a half weeks.
Wyoming. Wyoming. Wyoming.

It's almost my birthday. I keep forgetting about that because I'm so focused on other things. Well, that and who gives a shit about turning 25? Woohoo lower car insurance! Maybe I'll get gifts...really needing some assistance so I can be pretty, happy, and slightly less in debt. I can see this as a reason to look forward to the anniversary of the day I was sliced out of my mother's uterus. Sorry for the visual. I was a C-Section baby because I was upside-down. Of course I was. I've been difficult and stubborn since the womb.

I have fallen asleep at 7:30 for the past two nights. Waste of my free time? Why yes, yes it is. At least today I fell asleep after some serious self pampering and receiving a full-body massage from Pretty. I can get pretty demanding when I feel the need to be taken care of. "Why is it that I spend my whole goddamn life taking care of everyone else and no one ever gives a f*ck about what I want?!" Frequent complaint these last few weeks. Need a social work vay-cay.

I had real, intelligent, big-girl thoughts to share, but can's seem to recall what they were...

Until next time. 

Wedding planning has reached an almost-tolerable point...
THE Dress? Purchased.
Tuxes? Done.
Save the Dates? Sent.
Honeymoon? Booked.

A lot of the tedious details have been worked out as well. I actually chose table linens. That's right, what was once was feared has now been defeated.

But don't ask me about the bridesmaid dresses. Please. I do not want to think about the bridesmaid dresses. I have nightmares about the godforsaken bridesmaid dresses. Typing "bridesmaid dresses" three times (now four) has raised my blood pressure significantly. No, I cannot explain it. Perhaps this is because I'm afraid I'll force three of my favorite people into hating me. Turquoise satin = hatred? Strong possibility.

Hoping to get that done and over with this weekend. Then I think I can take a break...maybe?

Almost done with  my job, which means almost time to go to Wyoming with my Pretty. Then some blissful time of nothing-ness and back to school for me/us.


Really, really looking forward to the nothing-ness. I want to be bored. I want to go a full five days straight without serious thoughts of mass murder. It's my dream.

I have not written a worthwhile entry in quite sometime. I blame this mostly on my lack of inspiration. To say my life is boring is perhaps a bit extreme, but it's definitely redundant to continue writing about this. I'd considered writing about what would essentially be the same thing over, and over, and over...but who wants that?

Thoughts at random:

I have a headache. My shrink prescribed me a new prescription for this, and I'm trying to keep an open mind about it. No meds have worked in the past, but that's no reason to stop believing in miracles.
Barf.

I am terrified of the "best friend" label because it seems that once it's been assigned, that significant person decides they don't like me anymore. I really wish I had this person right now though. Shit's been crazy and stressful and overwhelming and making me feel sick. I went home halfway through the day on Thursday due to starting to have a total nervous breakdown. I can no longer tolerate my job.

Speaking of...I've officially turned in my resignation. My last day will be July 2nd, the day before our trip to Wyoming. This was not the easiest decision to make. Although I knew that it would be impossible to handle the stress of school on top of this particular job, I didn't want to leave my friends. I feel endlessly guilty for leaving them. I'm horrible at maintaining human contact and I'm fairly certain that once I pack up my office and leave for good, I'll rarely see those people again. It's difficult for me to become close to people and establishing trust can be a rather large hurdle. I'm scared to have to do this all over again.

I feel that I should discuss more specific details of my upcoming nuptials. I'll just do links...

The ceremony and reception will be held here
My dress is from this store but I will not show which one, per my lover's request
This is our super-cheesy wedding website

Since this is all being posted on the inter-webs, I feel it necessary to say that this will be a small wedding. Invites had to be strictly sent to close friends and family. We love you all, I promise, it just isn't possible to invite everyone. I really wish I could- there are plenty of people I would love to add to the list. This is a tough economical time for everyone, our families included.

photo by allison johnston.



I'm still really excited about marrying this Pretty boy of mine. The planning is a pain and I'm tired of making decisions about things I don't think should matter much, but at the end of the day this is what I'm looking forward to. Barf again. Apologies.

Thoughts, at random...

My sister is an amazingly talented photographer, and she has a new photo blog. She is posting one new picture every day for a full year, in honor of a good friend who died a couple weeks ago. This is it.

She makes me very proud :)

I bought my wedding dress over the weekend. This a huge relief, and I'm starting to get super-excited about this wedding nonsense again, now that all the decision making is done. For the most part.

My job is killing my soul/spirit/overall desire to live.

Pretty and I are going to Sedona this weekend, and I'm really hoping that this will provide enough rest to last a few more weeks. I'm getting really burned out man, and I'm not sure how much longer I can go without having a full-blown nervous breakdown.

People disappoint me a lot. I should stop having such high expectations.
Something I like about myself- my ability to see through most bullshit. I'm also pretty fond of my gift of telling people to fuck off while maintaining a smile on my face and a song in my heart :) I feel that I would be an excellent torturer. Or spy. Or both. Preferably both. 
I get this from my grandmother. I talked to her on the phone yesterday. It's funny to hear the way she tells stories, because it's always with the same sarcastic tone that I use.

Eh, ran out of motivation. Until next time...

 (Photo by Allison Johnston)

  

Something that makes me happy: my home.

I really love where we're living now.
There is a pomegranate tree in the back
Ivy covers one side of the building and then wraps around through the car port and above the front door.
We live next to an old woman who plays the piano with her windows open.
There are neighborhood cats that sleep on top of the roofs of different buildings, and sometimes on people's cars.
Our master bedroom is the quietest room in the whole place.
There is natural light everywhere.
There is plenty of room for the Love Puppy.
I get to have my Art Space.
The location is pretty perfect and this is going to be the first place I've lived in since my parents' house that I won't be moving out of in May.
There is a dry "river" right behind our complex, and there are no leash-laws there so the Love Puppy has a place to run around and play while I collect pretty desert rocks. 
This is our Engaged House, and will soon be our first Married House.
My Pretty lives here.
Etc.

Le sigh.
My face smells like sulfur.

Dear Blogger, I'm cheating on you.

Is it another blog?
Yes. I'm sorry.  I never meant for you to find out this way, blogger.

I'm not going to share the specifics of this new blog because it is my (our, actually- it's a collaboration of sorts) baby and I must protect it at all costs. 
Maybe someday.
But most likely not.
This one is meant to be anonymous, and it's hard to keep it this way if I share my new secret three days into having it.
I will share that I'm really excited about this. It's a new project. I love projects.

I'm trying to talk Pretty into a long weekend in Flagstaff. We haven't been there since the end of last summer. I miss the fresh air. I've already been approved for the time off...maybe I'll kidnap him and take him there against his will.
And really, it shouldn't be too difficult to talk the boy into some time with his bestie. I'll bring a book and give them the chance to be all in love or whatever.

Flagstaff in the spring...be still my heart.  

Oh HELL No

Fact: If I seriously plan any aspect of our upcoming wedding for more than one day per week, I get panic attacks and wedding-related stress dreams. Dumb.
I can't explain it. I don't know why this happens.
Maybe because I have to pull this thing together in about a day and a goddamn half? Hmmmm??
Sorry, language.

I never understood the need for wedding planners until now.
Weird thing to complain about? Probably. But it plagues me, I tell you. PLAGUES.
Just wanna take a nap and eat some Klonopin like it's effing candy. Why must that be frowned upon?

I had a super-stressful work day. 
It's not so reassuring to be working on a career in social work, and hate people more and more with each passing day...
I already need another vacation.

I don't want to feel personally responsible for anyone else for at least a week. Starting to get concerned about my own well-being, which is never a good sign since it's not in my nature to worry about my own needs in any way. Ever.

This just isn't gonna get positive. At least not today. Maybe tomorrow? We'll see. 

I'm exhausted.
No, really.
This has been one of the most emotionally/physically draining weeks ever. Of all time. Someone put this shit in an encyclopedia so it doesn't just become some far-fetched tale, told to younger generations to warn them of the dangers of daily life. We need some goddamn documentation.
It's not my story to tell, so I will not share it. But ohmygod.

Changing topics.

I've been getting these headaches that feel like all of my blood pressure rests on my forehead. I wanna take a drill to my skull and drain the insanity...Pi reference? Anyone?

Things that have been making me happy...
Pretty
Sister-gator
Love Puppy
Date Night with Princess Pants
Not planning my wedding
Defending my friends with wit and the darkest of sarcasm- the only weapons I'll ever need.


Sometimes I'm awesome. Just throwin' it out there.
No, really, I couldn't care less about table linens. I know it's crazy, but I swears it's true.
The best sandwiches are made by hippies. Fact.
I hope my 2 o'clock doesn't show.
It's balls hot in my office.

So. Lots of stuff happening.
Since my last post, I had an interview for a Masters program at the U of A, was accepted four days later, and became engaged eight days after that. Pretty and I will both be grad students this fall. Which is exciting. I'm a little concerned about the financial aspect, but there is no need to worry about this now.
Why?
'Cause I've got a mo-effing wedding to plan!
It turns out that this isn't as much fun as I thought it would be...it seems that people go crazy when you start planning a wedding. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Like, to the point where I'm avoiding interaction with my family because they will not leave me alone. I don't want to plan specifics right now. I'm working. And figuring out grad school nonsense. Go away? Not so much. Crazy, crazy, crazy...

Trying to block them out so I can enjoy all this lovey dovey affection I've been receiving from my Pretty. He's kinda wonderful, you know. I'm so glad he picked me :)
...barf.

Lie in the sound

It's raining.
And I am cold.

I may or may not have an interview for a graduate program (I may or may not have applied to) tomorrow.
I'm afraid of failure. Especially of the public sort. I'm slightly more than hesitant to share such news with the world around me, because I don't want anyone to know if I fail. Because people talk. Constantly. And it's rarely ever nice.

I'd like very much to have my own black hole to crawl into when I know that people are talking about me. Even good things, sometimes. I just don't like it. I'm shy and the idea of this happening makes me nauseous. Just leave me alone, mmkay?

So, as of now, it will be vague thoughts only. That is all I can stomach at this exact moment in time. Deal with it?

Oh, and Pretty got into Pharmacy School. It's no big deal...yes it is. It's a HUGE deal. We're pretty excited about it.

There are some things that are so funny to me.
Like overly-serious commercials.
Example, the new Vagisil ad with the angel music in the background.
Really?
I'm doubting that angels sing about this.

Maybe they do.
What do I know?

Dropping the topic...

I brought my Pretty some dinner tonight while he was at work. Then he took me on a tour of the place. I don't really like hospitals (obviously?) but it was nice to spend some QT with my lover.
Thankfully for all involved parties, the gift shop was closed. Loves me some gift shop shoppin'.

Weird weekend.

Bloggin' on my lunch break again.

There are many things I wish to express, but the words aren't logically sorted in my head yet.

I've been working on being a grown up more lately.
Baby steps have grown slightly larger.
I continue to try viewing my flaws as opportunity for change/adjustment.
I'm also controlling my need to say everything that's on my mind. There's no need for it. My opinion typically does not matter.
I'm keeping in mind that I am most likely not the only person who is easily made happy/mad/sad by the actions of others. It will often make my whole day when someone says something nice to me. Everyone has insecurities. It takes no energy to share the positive thoughts I have about the people around me. I couldn't tell you how many times I have come home to Pretty, filled completely with either positive or negative emotion, all depending on how people treated me that day. Or, oftentimes, just from one statement. So simple. Why be mean when you could be nice? I'm trying to remember this.


Should work now...

So, Valentine's Day was last weekend.
Yep.
Not much of a fan, to be honest.
Mostly because I think it's cheesy and lame, but then if Pretty doesn't do something for me, I'm pissed.
Which is so hypocritical.
I don't want to be hypocritical.

I organized like a crazy person over the weekend.
The art space is finished and just needs some decorative touches.
I re-arranged the furniture in my living room (by myself- feat) and then spent hours trying to figure out where the candles should go.
I filed both my federal and state taxes.
I started a pile of crap to give to Goodwill.
Etc.

It's good to be productive, but now that it's not quite 7 AM and I'm going to be leaving for work soon, I'm wishing I'd taken time to relax. 
Oh well.
Just choked on apple juice- taking this as a sign that I should focus a little more on breakfast, and less on bitching about my weekend.

"I hope you are having a pleasant work day, with minimal encounters with the dead. At least that's what would define a pleasant work day for me, if I had your job. I ate a lot of your sunflower seeds. And I made some fancy Ramen. Yes, fancy Ramen.... It's possible. There were roasted vegetables involved. Roasted, Thomas. The girl who can barely work a microwave roasted vegetables today.
Do my taxes, please. Also, the priority deadline for FAFSA is March 1st. So I'd get on that, if I were you. I did mine already and if I get a better loan than you, it goes without saying that you will be mocked for this. Warned."

Facebook can be awesome, when you have a Pretty who checks his email at work. Which I do.  

I'm so bored.
This weekend was lame.
For sure.

I'm addicted to CSI.
I have spent all of my money.
I ate too much salt today.

Woke up super-anxious. Can't sleep. Will talk about my dream, despite the fact that no one will give a shit about my dream. Fuck off, it's my blog.
Sorry.
So, in Dreamworld:

I found a torn up $100 bill in my purse and a stack of textbooks in my med recs box at work. The books were sealed up in plastic like they do when you order a bunch online for pick-up at a University bookstore. I remembered that Tom told me you can get a full-refund if you take them back still perfectly sealed up. I decide that both of these would be perfect tests of humanity and leave them on the ground outside of my high school and decide I desperately need to power-walk through Forever 21. I figure that buying whatever catches my eye while going at such a speed is obviously a great way to shop/save money. Then it became Sephora, in a warehouse, with too-big boxes containing shit they would never carry, like bubbly foot baths.
I keep power-walking and these girls were talking about how stupid everything in whole damn warehouse was. Including the vents, which I somehow knew were pumping in purified oxygen and therefore should be respected. I go back to check on my humanity-tests and see that everything was stolen, but then Warrick from CSI comes up to me and has all of it. He gives them to me and says that I deserve to keep them and need to stop losing focus of my own needs and self-worth.
THEN I'm back at work and my coworkers and I receive a letter that says we kick-ass and work hard and it's not that we're not good enough for the job, the job is not good enough for us. Etc.

Then I woke up, manic out of my mind, and in desperate need of meds and snacks.
Current analysis of this dream- I feel under appreciated and just want people to acknowledge how fabulous I am because, about twice a day, I feel like I might have a total meltdown if I get anymore information portraying the opposite.
Bah.
Whatever...
Possibly no more sleep tonight.
Hungry, hungry hippo.

Today was one of those fabulous days when there is nothing in a 24 hour period to worry about.
For me, this is saying something.
I keep trying to put this into words, but I'm afraid  of jinxing myself...
Today was a good day because I had been stressed out of my mind for most of the last four weeks and now everything is taken care of. Or at least to the best of my ability. And it all truly has been done to the best of my ability. Which is a satisfying feeling.
Work- caught up.
Grad school applications- completed and mailed.
My work day reached it's end and I was calm. It was nuts. I didn't stay late. Didn't come home stressed. Drove through rush hour traffic without a single thought of mass murder. Came home to Thai food take-out. Snugged up in a hoodie with my lover and watched a movie.
Perfect?
Why yes, it was.

Now, tomorrow is definitely a new day. Obviously.
But in this moment, I feel good.
I can sit down and breathe.
Work on this painting of mine.
Mess around with my awesome new jewelry tools.
Maybe pop some Ambien and drink tea, while laying on the heating pad in hopes of addressing all the tension in my upper back.

I am going to shop around the internets for some reading material.
And I need to Etsy it up a bit.
Pretty suggested that for Valentines Day, we get each other an Etsy gift under $50.
Done. Sold. Gotta love easy.
I'm not so much the Valnetine's Day type.
But I like presents. Especially of the stress-free variety.


End.

License plate on the car in front of me at 7:45 this morning:
GOTPORK

...No?
Why would I have pork?
Or shout affirmation of this in your general direction?
Honk if you're porky.
Haha...

Oh delirium, you never fail to amuse.

Almond Roca is the shit.

I spent the afternoon with my mom yesterday, working on the art-space project. I like my mom. Getting out of the house, shopping like a girl (Pretty would have crafted himself a noose if I made him compare throw pillows and color combos) and then being productive on my project and seeing actual results..it was awesome. Complete mood change. Pretty is smart, convincing me to call my mom. Tricksy bastard.

I'm hoping I have not just jinxed myself. The work load this week is gonna be intense and the chance of a full-blown break down have increased dramatically. But we shall see.

End scene.

I love my Love Puppy.
I was sick when I got home from work today. It wasn't pretty. I didn't acknowledge anyone/thing for several minutes, focusing only on the need to lie down/die. The Love Puppy looked like she was going to explode with Puppy Emotion and kept trying to get my attention. When I finally pet her, it was as though she said "Oh thank God!" and snugged up on me like a small child. And then refused to move. It made me feel better. She's crafty, my Love Puppy.

Today I checked my mail and discovered I had five packages. FIVE. It was like effing Christmas. Definitely the highlight of my day. Lots of pretties.

Speaking of Pretties...

Pretty is taking a full-load of classes right now to make his pharmacy school application even more awesome. It's really weird. For the bulk of our relationship, I have been in the one in school. I don't envy him, man. The full-time work/school combo can be rough. It's kinda funny that he's taking these classes though because he already has a chemistry degree and has to take basic courses at the community college now.
Funny/expensive and time consuming.
Oh well.

I have this fantasy world in my head where I jet off to my grandparent's house in Wyoming without warning and stay as long as I damn well please. I keep picturing movie scenes with stressed out women hiding at the family cabin to hang out on the porch and drink lots of tea. I wanna go to Wyoming and drink tea on the porch. And see lots of green. And spend time with my Gigi. And stroll around downtown to pick up some books and read them on the porch while drinking tea. And paint with my Papa. And breathe clean air. Etc.
I've been wanting to go back for ages, but keep finding other things to spend the plane ticket money on. I promised my grandparents I would visit this summer, and plan to keep that promise. But summer is really, really far away...

It's been rainy here lately. Although I think the lack of sunshine is contributing to my recent increase of depressive symptoms, it has changed the atmosphere around here. Tucson feels really different when it's cold and rainy. Cold may not really be the best word, as my Flagstaff buddies endure yet another snow storm, but you get the idea.
The rain has taught me that there is a leak in the skylight in my bathroom. (No, I don't know why there is a skylight there). This is amusing because I've been wondering why the bath mat is always wet, but never bothered to piece it together. I've been especially spacey lately.

I want to write a how-to guide on relationships. A funny one, obviously. Seriousness is rarely a good time. Daily life is serious enough, thankyouverymuch. I've been wanting to do this for awhile now. Not that I am in any way an expert on the topic, I just think it would be an amusing thing to write about.

I haven't been keeping up with the list of things that make me happy on this blog. I wrote a rather lengthy list of these at work while I was hating life slightly more than usual (kidding). Can't remember if I discussed this here yet...Regardless, the list was interesting. At first, I put a lot of thought into what I wrote down, but I eventually just wrote whatever came to mind. A bunch of people who's existance I prefer to ignore came up. Also, I learned that sprinkles came to mind way before any sort activity. Which is funny. And maybe a little embarrassing. Mostly funny though.

I am no longer speaking to a certain parasitic pharmacy.
No need to name names.
Or point fingers.
But it's all your fault.
And I'm telling.

Princess Pants has lost her damn mind.
Maybe it's contagious.
Sorry, Lady. I swears it wasn't on purpose.
"Isn't that cute? He's all like, checking my vitals."

Pretty has caught the Etsy bug.
He's excited because he just bought a vintage organic chemistry textbook.Of course he did. Surrounded by beautiful hand-made goodies, and he finds a textbook.
He took me on an adventure to Almost Mexico over the weekend. He rowed me around in a boat and then we had a picnic.
It was almost cute enough to elicit a gag reflex.
...Who talks like me?

So far, this year has been weird. Super weird. I continue to feel like nothing that's happening around me is real and have to put extra effort in distinguishing dreams from reality. Not that anything earth-shattering is going on. Maybe that's why it can be hard to keep track. Lots of dull, nothing worth recalling.

Still can't explain this effectively.
So damn tired. All the time.
A little motivation would be great.
Gonna snug bug the Love Puppy now.

You don't have to act like you don't read my blog :) silly gooses

There are few things in this world that I love more than coconut. (Pretty: Am I one of them? Me: Perhaps.)
Ohmygod.
White chocolate, too. But only certain kinds.
If I could find out where to get the white chocolate that Ben and Jerry's uses...oh man. That would be intense.
...There is no way to tell the story I want to share without serious regrets...
However, it ends with finding white chocolate WITH COCONUT IN IT.
And that's all that matters, if you ask me. Really. In this moment I can think of nothing more significant than this particular discovery.
Yes, I'm kidding.

So I don't know what I did, but as of this moment it feels as though I've been spending my sleepy time either wrestling large creatures or lifting vehicles.
(...wrestling the creatures of the night...why is this so funny to me?)
Ouch.
Whatever it was, the muscle in my thigh/hip I utilize most while driving was actively engaged.
I determined this just moments ago when I decided I'd rather die in a fiery crash than brake anymore.
So now I can't move. Correction: I won't move. I refuse. Please fetch me some muscle relaxers.

If it's not one thing, it's another.
Dumb.

It seems that I am not the only person who has felt odd and spacey for the last week or so.
Like nothing has been truly real.
Just...weird.
Can't explain it.
Awkward.

I have so many cavities.

Today was a much better day.

Too tired to think. I somehow managed to have bad anxiety while half-sleeping last night...dreaming about having panic attacks and then waking up to a panic attack.
All.night.long.

New focus: sleeping and eating.
As much as possible.
Emphasis on the eating.
Lots and lots of eating.
I've pretty much gotten over the fear of any food that could make me barf.
Because that's always the best food.
Also, getting kind of used to the barfing. Just a part of life.

Princess Pants talked to Pretty about her boy issues today.
And it was the goddamn funniest thing I've seen in quite awhile.

Unexpected good mood. Gonna try to make it last. My lover is HOME and this is all I need. Ice cream, movies, early bedtime- perfect ending to this day.

Ugh.
Just...ugh.
This last week has been brutal.
Bru-tal.

UGH.

The Love Puppy is concerned about my emotional well-being.

Just lays on me and stares, attempting to heal with her loving gaze.
Sigh.

Positive...say something positive...

Pretty has an admissions interview at the U of A Pharmacy School tomorrow.
It's kind of exciting.
He has been wanting to get into a PharmD program since before we even knew each other. It's crazy to think that the final step towards this goal will happen tomorrow.
TOMORROW.
He's super nervous about it, but I know he'll do great.
'Cause he's awesome.
And awesome people do great things.

Our anniversary is coming up.
We aren't really at that lovey I'm-amazed-you-still-tolerate-me phase anymore.
Now it's more of a "You still here? Fair enough. Think you could maybe put the fucking dishes away??" deal.
But perhaps a little more enthusiastic.
It's still nice.
Stability is good.
Plus, I reckon I enjoy his company.
Four years and not one domestic violence charge = success.

I wish I could adequately explain this bizarre, 50-emotions-in-one-day mindset that I've had going for the last week-ish, but...can't. Obviously.

Anyway.
I had to take two design courses for my art minor.
The biggest perk of this requirement was that it showed me I have no interest/talent in design. Like, at all.
It's good to know what you're not good at, so you can cross it off the ol' list of Crap to Try.
Yes, I have one of these

I think my unsteady hands were the primary contributors to this shameful deficiency.
A lot of what we were assigned involved making these perfect, clean, straight lines.
Can't do it.
Lots of re-dos.

This definitely falls in the in the category of "Why are you torturing me with something I could do on a computer??"
I feel the same way about math.
Except more passionately so.
When I had to re-learn math for the GRE, this was a frequent frustration.
I get the need to understand the basics for daily functioning.
But I don't need to know how many apples Susie will have when Fred has 5 oranges.
I do not plan on going into the produce industry.
Also, I could count. Or ask.
I'd hope the grocery would have some sort of inventory system developed and not have to ask such questions.

I have a computer. And a phone that's almost a computer. And calculators on both. And a walking-Encyclopedia boyfriend who probably already knows the standard apples-to-oranges ratio utilized by the average market. Even if I didn't ask, he'd tell me anyway.


I am feeling much better now.
I threw up water this morning. Which is way TMI.
Water is the most pleasant thing to barf up. Hardly noticeable.



So my vay-cay is obviously canceled.

During one of the countless crazy-person mood swings, I got incredibly emotional about this.
But then Pretty reminded me that it's still going to be a long weekend.
And I was stunned.
Because this hadn't yet occurred to me.
So we might do something.
And I am feeling incredibly positive about this.

...The.End.

This is my fantasy vacation at the moment. I keep trying to plan a trip, but it seems I'm the only one of those I know who fancies such things.
It's the Forest Houses Resort in Sedona, AZ. They have a lot of different houses you can rent and the one pictured is called the Tree House (!!!). I want to stay there so badly. How wonderful would it be to gather family and friends (some allow pets, too) to spend a long weekend in gorgeous Sedona, shaded by trees and next to Oak Creek. With fireplaces and kitchens and the comfort of being left the eff alone to whatever extent you please.

I love Sedona. This is a little shocking, since I don't like being outside, but Sedona is different. It is wonderful. While I was living in Flagstaff, there were many days when Pretty and I would decide to take the 45 minute drive down for some sunshine and good grub. We don't really have anything like that here in Tucson. The ability to leave the cold and snow, and enter warmth and sunshine (and an actual city with restaurants and things to do) within an hour is rare.

I miss it. A lot.
We thought about moving Sedona, since it makes us both crazy-happy, but decided against it. We know from previous moves that the grass truly is always greener on the other side, and didn't want to risk losing this Special Place. Best to keep it special. Also, it's ass expesive to live/breathe there, so that was also taken into account. Maybe in another life...

I am currently uber-bummed that I won't get that vaycay I've been literally counting down the seconds to. No, really, I have a countdown going on my computer at this exact moment. Knowing that each time I have to stick my head in the toilet means one less day of vacation is devastating. Also symbolic, if you think about it.


The quarter life crisis has gotten more noticable again. I feel unbearably, overwhelmingly stuck.


Please plan my life for me. I don't wanna anymore.

This is officially my third attempt at writing a "Yay! New Year! Wahoo!" post.
Probably because I don't care too much.
Also, there have been a lot of odd things happening in the last three days, and I'm not sure how I feel about any of them.
Furthermore, each attempt has turned really mean and bitter, which I don't feel like starting this new year with.
Like, really mean.

Um...so here are random tid-bits and thoughts, in hope of summing up without the overkill.


"People are always asking if you're engaged yet."
Ugh.
Really?
And is the yet really necessary?

Pretty shamelessly got me drunk on New Years Eve.

There is a new tattoo I want...just trying to figure out where.

The dry winter air has led to excessive in-shower moisturizing, which obviously then led to a slippery floor and a new bruise on my shin.

Uugggh food poisoning.